A Paradox Wrapped in Irony
The problem with having a blog about being a mother of three children under 15 months is that I never have time to write. Crap. Was about to regale you with the story of my morning at the mothers' support group, but O is crying and R has gone shopping. Shit, there's D going off now. Thank G-d T's... oh no, he's started too. Is it irresponsible of me to hope that the sound of my fingers tapping the keyboard will remind them of my heartbeat and lull them to sleep?
Waaaahhh! Waaaah! Waaaaaaaah!
Can you hear me through this noise? No? I'll be back…
SEVERAL DAYS LATER…
Okay, let’s try again. At Karitane, the mothercraft nurse made me do a questionnaire to assess if I am depressed using the:
Edinburgh Post Natal Depression Scale (EPDS)
(J.L. Cox, J.M. Holden, R. Sagovsky, Department of Psychiatry, University of Edinburgh)
As you have recently had a baby, we would like to know how you are feeling. Please give the answer which comes closest to how you have felt in the past 7 days - Not just how you feel today.
I have felt happy:
My answer: Does it count if I’d had my third glass of wine by the time the happiness kicked in?
In the past 7 days:
1. I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things –
If you think having newborn poo under my fingernails then sucking my finger to assess the temperature of the milk I’ve just dipped it into is funny then you’re sick. Neither is it funny that I tried to put my toddler in the newborn car seat and was repeatedly frustrated that she didn’t fit. Or the fact that I threw my car keys down the toilet because I mistook them for a poo-ey tissue. There is no funny side. What’s to laugh at?
2. I have looked forward with enjoyment to things -
Yes. Things like my children leaving home to make enormous amounts of money and support me for the rest of my life. Oh, you mean the near future?
3. I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong -
What do you mean unnecessarily? Everything is actually my fault. The fact that the kids haven’t bathed in three days can’t really be anyone else’s, can it?
4. I have been anxious or worried for no good reason –
I’ll give you three good reasons: My toddler, twin one and twin two.
5. I have felt scared or panicky for no good reason –
Define a good reason. If I wasn’t scared or panicky being left alone with three unsettled babies, I’d have to be some sort of German-engineered automaton. Or Keanu Reeves, who I suspect is a German-engineered automaton.
6. Things have been getting on top of me –
Three small things particularly. I barely have a moment where one of my darling little “things” isn’t lying on my chest.
7. I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping -
You try sleep through the noise in this house. Seriously, if you can get two consecutive hours I’ll give you a blowjob. Although you'd probably sleep through that too.
7. I have felt sad or miserable –
I haven’t gotten out of my pajamas for weeks. It’s not like they’re sexy pajamas. You do the math.
8. I have been so unhappy that I have been crying –
Crying? Why stop there? I’ve taken to primordial screaming with low grunting moans. Sometimes it helps settle the kids.
10. The thought of harming myself has occurred to me -
Only with chocolate, alcohol and drugs. Does that count?
So, after I filled it out the nurse gave me the kind of Concerned Glance they teach in nursing college. We’ll have the parent support team give you a call, she said.
The Support Team (a group I could use when choosing bras) called and spoke in the kind of Concerned Tone they reserve for idiots and the terminally ill. They’re coming over next week to “sort (me) out”.
If I don’t write for a while, I’ve been taken away. Hopefully to a respite center in Hawaii where I can spend my days practicing kundalini yoga until my kids get rich and support me.
Waaaahhh! Waaaah! Waaaaaaaah!
Can you hear me through this noise? No? I'll be back…
SEVERAL DAYS LATER…
Okay, let’s try again. At Karitane, the mothercraft nurse made me do a questionnaire to assess if I am depressed using the:
Edinburgh Post Natal Depression Scale (EPDS)
(J.L. Cox, J.M. Holden, R. Sagovsky, Department of Psychiatry, University of Edinburgh)
As you have recently had a baby, we would like to know how you are feeling. Please give the answer which comes closest to how you have felt in the past 7 days - Not just how you feel today.
I have felt happy:
My answer: Does it count if I’d had my third glass of wine by the time the happiness kicked in?
In the past 7 days:
1. I have been able to laugh and see the funny side of things –
If you think having newborn poo under my fingernails then sucking my finger to assess the temperature of the milk I’ve just dipped it into is funny then you’re sick. Neither is it funny that I tried to put my toddler in the newborn car seat and was repeatedly frustrated that she didn’t fit. Or the fact that I threw my car keys down the toilet because I mistook them for a poo-ey tissue. There is no funny side. What’s to laugh at?
2. I have looked forward with enjoyment to things -
Yes. Things like my children leaving home to make enormous amounts of money and support me for the rest of my life. Oh, you mean the near future?
3. I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong -
What do you mean unnecessarily? Everything is actually my fault. The fact that the kids haven’t bathed in three days can’t really be anyone else’s, can it?
4. I have been anxious or worried for no good reason –
I’ll give you three good reasons: My toddler, twin one and twin two.
5. I have felt scared or panicky for no good reason –
Define a good reason. If I wasn’t scared or panicky being left alone with three unsettled babies, I’d have to be some sort of German-engineered automaton. Or Keanu Reeves, who I suspect is a German-engineered automaton.
6. Things have been getting on top of me –
Three small things particularly. I barely have a moment where one of my darling little “things” isn’t lying on my chest.
7. I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping -
You try sleep through the noise in this house. Seriously, if you can get two consecutive hours I’ll give you a blowjob. Although you'd probably sleep through that too.
7. I have felt sad or miserable –
I haven’t gotten out of my pajamas for weeks. It’s not like they’re sexy pajamas. You do the math.
8. I have been so unhappy that I have been crying –
Crying? Why stop there? I’ve taken to primordial screaming with low grunting moans. Sometimes it helps settle the kids.
10. The thought of harming myself has occurred to me -
Only with chocolate, alcohol and drugs. Does that count?
So, after I filled it out the nurse gave me the kind of Concerned Glance they teach in nursing college. We’ll have the parent support team give you a call, she said.
The Support Team (a group I could use when choosing bras) called and spoke in the kind of Concerned Tone they reserve for idiots and the terminally ill. They’re coming over next week to “sort (me) out”.
If I don’t write for a while, I’ve been taken away. Hopefully to a respite center in Hawaii where I can spend my days practicing kundalini yoga until my kids get rich and support me.
posted by Yidchick at 9:59 pm
9 Comments:
*guffaws*
p.s. if you need a travelling companion for the hawaii trip, drop me a line, woncha?
:-)
I recently discovered your blog, and I love your writing.
My two kids were seventeen months apart, and I thought I might lose it then with only two. I can only imagine the stress and exhaustion you must be feeling.
Wishing you some sleep and some peace.
This made me laugh very hard. I can only manage the pressure you're under and am v impressed you can come up with such humourous writing in the circumstances.
Good God. I've always hated that it's-all-Eve's-fault thing, but what kind of creator DOES this unless in a fit of omnipotent pique? If having children is so damn natural, why didn't S/He, in His/Her infinite wisdom, have us born with nannies attached?
YC. Please. Find time to climb out of the PJs before the Concerned People come.
Or better yet. Don't.
Hope it gets better quick and sleep is somewhere on the horizon.
Hi Yidchick, great blog! and you keep writing too,,,
best wishes
Oh, that's it. mgsdwhatever is right. You need a real college degree. Right now. How come no one thought of it before? That is clearly the only sensible thing to do with three children under 15 months
(I feel for you. I can't begin to imagine what three children under 15 months must be like. If I didn't live on the opposite side of the world I would offer to babysit. As it is, all I can do is suggest that you turn on the letter verification in your settings to avoid spam.)
Please tell me you haven't gone to the home for Mothers of Three Babies Who Won't Get Out of Their PJs.
You are absolutely hillarious. I love your blog and your writing. Your answers seem to me like you don't have to be committed yet. Keep it up. Get all the help you are offered (and then forget about the advise you are given, what you do is what is right, that is the best advise)
you are so funny. I loved your answers. been there too.
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