Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Best Laid Plans

Two hours before the Brazilian I have a fantastic idea. Emla cream! The numbing cream I use for O when she has her inoculations! Oh, the sheer brilliance of it makes my innards warm. To venture to Brazil pain free. Why isn’t every vain porno star as much of a genius as I clearly am? Two problems: 1. I need to procure the cream and apply it one hour before the ‘procedure’. 2. I can’t see my hoo-hah let alone reach it - I need a co-conspirator to help me apply said cream. Which is where my poor mother comes in. A desperate phone call and dash to the chemist later and my mother is crouched beneath my belly asking me how low I want her to apply it. I have clearly lost all self-respect. The last time my mother touched my nether regions was when she was changing my nappies, but here I stand, legs sprawled apart, as she applies the source of all my hopes to my la-la.

It starts to burn at the core of my womanliness. I want it OFF. My mother urges me to not do anything hasty. She grabs two wads of cotton wool and shoves them in my innermost sanctum. The pain stops. See, this is a brilliant plan.

I arrive at the wax buzzing with excitement. The cream’s only been on for fifteen minutes but I’m convinced it’s a winner. I don’t want the waxer to know what I’ve done because I feel like it’s cheating, plus I don’t think you’re meant to put cream on your skin before you wax. So I gently ask where the toilets are and take the emla patch off my snatch, securing it tightly in my purse. (This is my actual purse, you understand, not a euphemism for my poonda).

I waltz (ok, waddle) into the room, brimming with confidence.

Gentle friends. No matter what anyone tells you. DON’T. EVER. HAVE. A. BRAZILIAN. WAX.

This is not pain. This is a zone beyond pain, fear, hurt and torture. This is a cruel, violent place I have seldom been to and to which I hope never to return. This is a place where a woman I barely know asks me if I would like her to “do my lips”. And she’s not talking about the ones I speak with. What sort of barbarism does our society condone? Who are the people who do this regularly? Who am I? Why am I lying on a bed paying a grown woman to rip out my pubic hair as we chat about whether twins run in my family?

As for my astute plan to circumvent the pain, the good people at Emla should be sued for their promise of anaesthetising me against this horror. (To be fair, they don’t actually list ‘Brazilian waxing’ under the ‘Indications’ section). I am ashamed to tell you I made it only three quarters of the way to Brazil before the journey abruptly stopped. The waxer chucked me out just short of the border. The evil masochist in me asked her to please take me all the way, but fearing litigation, she explained that she’d taken off enough for them to do the C-section. Apparently I was sweating so much she couldn’t get the wax to stick anymore. And telling her to get the fuck away from me or I’d throw hot wax on her head also did little to encourage her to go further.

Yes, I’m a brave woman. And on Tuesday a group of men are going to slash into 7 layers of my fat and muscle with sharp knives. This, I can handle. But by God, if anyone so much as tries to get a piece of wax near my Velvet Underground ever again, I’ll be forced to return the favour. Strip by vicious strip.


Blogger surly girl said...

that's it. i am never having that done, ever.


10:10 pm  
Blogger Urban Chick said...

gosh, i forgot about having to be shaved before your c-section - no EMLA cream on offer then (itchy itchy itchy)

i remember the midwife asking mr chick if he'd like to oblige

he looked horrified and said 'no', muttering to me afterwards that surely this was the midwife's job

but, more importantly...


how exciting...can't wait to hear the news


11:29 pm  
Blogger Lala said...

I think your nuts for even trying...but oh so funny when writing about it. Good luck on Tuesday! Will you be leaving messages on your belly for the doctor? Something along the lines of "See the wax job? I did it for you baby".

2:16 am  
Blogger Katy Newton said...

People lie about waxing. They do. My cousin swore that having your underarms waxed didn't hurt and I couldn't lower my arms for twenty four hours. Therefore, despite her reassurances on the Brazilian front, I remain defiantly hirsute.

4:41 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Velvet Underground"
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

I hope the men with knives are kinder and gentler.

5:08 pm  
Blogger sbs said...

blimey o'riley. this procreation thing really ought to be easier, in so many ways.
have a beautiful Tuesday, though.

9:25 pm  
Blogger Shelli said...

thanks for letting me snort my oatmeal at the computer!


I have ALWAYS been a trim it only girl, and the occasional shave to the underware line, to prevent embarrassment in a swimsuit.

This is a reminder why I will NEVER EVER EVER allow hot wax near the who-ha!


12:23 am  
Blogger Stacey said...

i used to get brazilians before we got married. i even had my husband's first initial waxed into my pubic hair when we were dating. he wanted to take a picture of it to show his friends. i had to draw the line with my waxer when she wanted to do a menorah for chanukah. for my birth, since i can't see the hoohoo anymore, i don't care. i might trim it but no way i am getting it waxed. they can deal. i know they have seen worse. man, are you brave!

1:30 am  
Blogger Calliope said...

holy crap this had me laughing!!
I don't know where you get your nerves- but you SO get a purple heart or something.

2:41 am  
Blogger Ova Girl said...

good god yc. I am filled with horror and admiration. And additional respect for your dear mother.

C and I will be thinking of you (and R and O) with all love on Tuesday. Many kisses. xxxx

8:33 pm  
Blogger LJ said...

Have you noticed that your "fantastic" ideas concerning south of the equator grooming matters inevitably leaves you burning, scrubbing at the burnt parts, or threatening people with violence?
They also (on the upside, for the rest of us)leave you with hysterically funny blog entries.

Darlin' I hope you can see further south soon. Good old-fashioned razors are ever so much easier!

5:55 am  
Blogger Lin said...

You must get your bravery from your're both extraordinary yidchix! How about your sense of humor...from your Mom or Pop? This was one hysterical posting. Thanks, kid.

Good, good luck to you and your babes on Tuesday and hugs to Tiny O and courage to R!

3:40 pm  
Blogger Kyahgirl said...

I think your mom deserves a medal too! What a funny story.

congrats on the twins by the way-I just came from ova girls place :-)

3:44 am  
Anonymous Waxing Expert said...

Ladies, there is an article with great home waxing tips. I found it very interesting and now recommend it to everybody to read.

10:28 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just waxed Hollywood today,the secret is to apply the Emla cream as it says 1 hour before..I used no dressing on top just put my panties on and went out,came back,and waxed.It was perfect,no pain at all.Done in 20 minutes.

12:13 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


So, I am of Italian "roots" in which everyone knows a little bit of hair comes hand in hand. I have shaved my poonani since I saw the hair starting to appear.. so you can imagine how painful a brazilian would be!!! I got a perscription for the EMLA CREAM! not the patch!!! I put it on an hour and a half before my waxing appointment, and also wrapped it with saran wrap to make sure it penetrated my skin 100%!!! I got there, and sure enough I did not feel a single thing... I loose my mind when I get as much as a lip wax... so to find a cream that literally numbs you is amazing.I did my armpitsa as well for the first time.. and felt nothing... If you don't administer this cream as directed it obviously wont work.. give it at least and hour before waxing!!! TRUST ME IT IS A GODSEND!

4:41 am  
Blogger justsoyouknow said...

I was intrigued with the world Brazilian here lol. I though the post will talk about Latin America travel or that sort. All i can say is that it is indeed "ouchy" going under Brazilian.

4:19 pm  

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