Monday, February 06, 2006

Things Not to Do when About to Give Birth to Twins

1. Have a full leg, bikini, eyebrow and Brazilian wax.

Yet this is exactly what I have booked for tomorrow. I have never had a Brazilian. I just missed out on Generation Porn. I came of age in the eighties when bushy was beautiful. But I figure I have to have my mattamabobbamahubbamahoo shaved for the C-section, so I'd rather pre-emptively wax it. I had to get R to trim the pubes tonight and even that was too awkward and frightening for me to handle. Not sure I'm going to make it all the way to Brazil. May land up getting off in Argentina.

2. Take Your Landlord to the Tribunal

What choice do I have? The FuckShmuck is being belligerent and has served us with a notice of claim for $1640.00 to resand the entire house floors because there were a few scratches on them. Our attempts to placate him with polite letters and offers to pay for part of the wear and tear were unsuccessful. So Tribunal it is. Which I feel like as much as I feel like ingesting raw worms dipped in gang-rapists' saliva.

3. Have 6 doctors appointments lined up for your daughter in one week

This one I couldn't have avoided. Better this week than next, when, hopefully, I'll have three children rather than one.

4. Attempt to pretend you're not ashen-faced-terrified of what's about to happen

The amount of times I've heard myself say "I'm fine" in the last two days is evidence enough of how clearly un-fine I am. Sources of fear:
a) will the twins be born at all? (After my sister-in-law birthed a stillborn baby last year, I take nothing for granted) .
b) will they be healthy? (I remember the chilling words of the doctor ten minutes after O was born - We've found something wrong - and I dread hearing those words again).
c) will they inherit my family's legs or R's? Okay, this is a fickle one, but my foremothers and I all pride ourselves on our strong, shapely legs. R's three sisters and mom have stubby, shapeless trunks. No calf shape, no ankles, just flubberous tree trunks. Slap me across the face for being shallow, but could you love a child with your mother-in-law's flubberous trunks?
d) Trunks or not, how will I cope with three babies under 13 months?

If you don't hear from me for a while I'm either in Ipanema with a man named Felipe, or I'm wearing a state-issued white coat and repeating the word 'trunks' incessantly as I bang my head against a padded cell.


Blogger Urban Chick said...

a brazilian? when you're 39 weeks pregnant?


good luck (for the waxing) - by comparison the section will be a walk in the park



1:01 am  
Blogger Lala said...

You'll be lucky if you make it to Costa Rica much less Brazil. Have a few beers first.....

1:16 am  
Blogger Katy Newton said...


I had my underarms waxed once. Since then I stick to my trusty electric shaver.

You are very brave.

5:06 am  
Blogger Calliope said...

holy cow, you are BRAVE!
Will be thinking of you for an event/incident free week.

5:12 am  
Blogger Kyahgirl said...

I've considered a Brazililan too.

Remember to breathe, and try not to worry,


5:26 am  
Blogger LJ said...

Oh please. Do not give birth before we hear about the wax?
God. I'm so selfish I should be shot.


A week? A week until the twins? For some reason I thought it was farther off...2008 or so.

11:17 am  
Blogger Lin said...

Never had a Brazilian either, but saw so many Brazilians (in Brazil) with Brazilians that honestly... it can't be all that bad. I actually said that and then involuntarily shuddered.

Good, good luck with all your babies. May they be healthy and of calm demeanor and may little O continue to thrive.

5:51 pm  
Blogger surly girl said...

i am far, far too chicken to consider waxing. i managed to shave my legs and paint my toenails the day before i went into labour with small person tho. i have no idea why it mattered so much but it did.

maybe take a leather strap to bite on? or do they provide those?

9:06 pm  

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